Just cropdusted the office
we made out on top of his cat.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
