Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Banned from zoo.
Again?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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