My liver just broke up with me...
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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