Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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