If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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