I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
