i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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