The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
