Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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