I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I got inside last night via doggy door
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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