i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
