Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
