You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
