R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
