woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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