Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
