New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
