woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
