you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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