escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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