There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
