somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
