I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
