Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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