i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My ass is underappreciated
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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