a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
