if i can run in heels then i can drive
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
