No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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