i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
