So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
