They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
