They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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