not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
