I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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