I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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