I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
