John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
