I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
