some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
