He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
