A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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