Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
