Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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