you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
