i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
