You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
