Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
