I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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