i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Less talking, more tequila
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
