I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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